its a wonder how people look at you.
they see scars that you portray so easily but those that you dont go unnoticed.
they know you have a problem but choose to only see the most obvious one instead.

something from my favorite band.
FALL OUT BOY - THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES.

i'm gonna make you bend and break
Say your prayers, but let the good times roll
In case god doesnt show(let the good times roll, let the good times roll)
And i want these words to make things right
But its the wrong that makes these words come to life
Who does he think he is (if thats the worst you got you better put
your fingers back to the keys)

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories even though
They werent so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

alvina
baby baby baby
you make me crazy.

ACTIVATION RATE.

so you get a msg.
"Hey peeps, activation rate going on now. please help out!"
and other one,
"Hey i was just thinking i cleared my loan with you already think you can lend me $3o again blah blah blah"
and other one,
"my skirt is having problems! show you later arghh"

and all you ever wanted was a reply from her.
ah the irony of things.

im reading this book now, Jodi Picoult - My Sister's Keeper.
im sure if you re a book worm, you would have heard of it. it is a bloody nice book. though i think its a little messy for me to take. Im on page 168 and have grown a huge amount of hatred for the charater Sara.
brief introduction for those who doesnt know bout the book,

"Anna is not sick, but she might as well be. By the age of thirteen, she has undergone countless surgeries, transfusions, and injections to help her sister, Kate, fight leukaemia. Anna was born for this purpose, her parents tell her, which is why they love her even more.

But now she cant help but wonder what her life would be like if it werent tied to her sister's... and so she makes a decision that for most, at any age, would be difficult to hear, and sues her parents for the rights to her own body."

There, what do you all think now?
How sick can parents actually get. This reminds of the movie, The island where real people were "grown" so that in the end, when they are needed, be whisked away to the chopping board and parts of them would be cut out and used for a better purposal.But that wasnt real.

This story might not be real but people are doing it now. Having a second or third child to save the first. To create a child not by chance, by mistake but by some genetic machine that can generate the genes of the child to suit just right for the first.
Thank god anna fights back in her own way. Her mom is so totally irrtating! Like, i think she just makes herself love anna and her main purpose is to service her sister. Its terrible to think bout it. and when realizing the situation that we closed our eyes to, it makes our own lifes seem so much better. So much more comfortable than what others have to go through.
It is sick to the bone that this sort of thing is allowed to happen. oh god, bless these children.

Something from the story that struck me.
"I had the heart of the relationship, and no body to grow in it.
what else could happen? it just broke."
There's this other book, called "Taming the beast - emily maguire"
Whether or not you are into S and M, read the book! it is so explicit in its own ways that it turns me on like no other book have done. Like, when you read those books with like erotic text included, you just imagine yourself in the position and just wank off and forget. But this book, makes you want to try things you have never tried with your partner. This book is strong enough to make you want to do things!
I wish i could give you guys an introduction but i dont have the book with me now.
It teaches me bout how sex really is.

In that book, she mentioned bout how she was having sex with other guys just to find back that passion she had with her first. And her having sex, is not by the tens but by the hundreds. Sex is that free to her you may think but she writes it in a way sex is a totally different concept that we see. She changes your mind bout sex. She influences you so much with her words.

That passion i once had with countless people. Is nothing compared to what im going through now. I wonder who i was trying to match up to. Why was i craving more and more. Why did i leave the ones that did love me? And she gave me the answers to all my questions.
I may have met that one i was waiting for now. the one that brings me to my climax time and time agagin. I dont know bout the future but i do know bout now! Things are at the lowest point now and i doubt anything would continue anymore. Sooooo, maybe id be like the lead character in the book, Sarah and have sex with countless people to find the particular passion i have with this person here. If sex was that easy to have, that is.


alvina
you take someone's breath away.
you rob them of the ability to utter a single worf.
you steal a heart.

my greatest.

alvina-upgraded. says:
i know this is damn random but i want to feel pain
alvina-upgraded. says:
will you bite me till i bleed?
-says:
yes
-says:
cause i can't stop when you are reek of blood

-says:
O blood tastes like rust.
alvina i feel like my skin is too tight says:
dont like it
-says:
can be rather addictive.
-says:
turns me on damn well.

alvina i feel like my skin is too tight says:
now that the thought is in my head i cant stop thinking bout it
alvina i feel like my skin is too tight says:
call it sick whatever but i think you re the perfect partner.
-says:
why?
alvina i feel like my skin is too tight says:
cause you feed me.you love me the way i really want to be loved. you gave me a lot more than i have realised. you satisfy me. not only sex but my sick thoughts and you like it too.
-says:
yeah.
-says:
thats why i'm your greatest temptation.
-says:
so, tiny bites with wounds?

alvina i feel like my skin is too tight says:
yes please. all over my body.
-says:
ok. don regret feeding me.
alvina i feel like my skin is too tight says:
regret finding you? why would i regret?
-says:
cause i'll be addicted.

i asked her and she said yes. had this thought in my head for like a million years and now its finally coming true. im so happy i found someone to experience this with me.

the feeling of pain that surges through your body caused by your lover. is indeed mind-blowing. im not talking bout the normal emotional pain bull crap. im talking bout feeling pain from a higher level. what i feel from her most of the time is not emo crap pain. is pain that leaves all the accidental wounds on my body. i look at this and remember that. i look at that and remember this. those times you felt pain enough to show me i d know now and pray that i dont put you through that agony again.

got this from the book.
Taming the beast. by emily maguire.

I've been so restless all the time. I find ways to zonk myself out so I can have oblivion. I drink much too much; have sex until I'm numb; I take muscles relaxants. If I do all that, then sometimes I can sleep all night, or at the very least, my mind goes blank for a few hours.
Lots of times I've fallen asleep only to dream of you. When I wake up I feel everything is wrong. I feel like my skin is too tight.

End.

I wonder why i have to take stuff from writers. This is exactly how i feel and this is of course to you. i cant seem to pen down my emotions like how i used to.

alvina
we may all be living a lie.
maybe thats why i need the blood you suck
to make this all seem real enough.

"there s never too skinny, but always fat."

was surfing there my old blog and i found this poem i realllllyyyy liked.

there s someone special in my life
who doesnt seem know i care
i wish i could let her know it
but let it show, i wouldnt dare.

i dont want to even risk it
i dont want to even try
for if she knew i felt this way
i d be insecure and shy.

i never thought id feel this way
i never thought id care
there s something in that smile of hers
that makes me stop and stare.

id keep my feelings hidden for now
and save them for another day.

it was taken from a book if im not wrong. alvina is such a ripper! and i found this old photoalbum! can you all tell me whether i look better last time or now!? (:
here.
another one.

been reading my old blog as you all have realised.
and i guess im still as vulgar us before or even worse now.
i club.
i smoke.
i go crazy really easily like screaming shouting jumping.
i flirt more.
my english deproved.

om TIAN! LOL. its damn bad now. i dont even write bout issues like how i used to! haha. and i also realised that my blog now has so much haha hee and lol! tsk. i used to be such an angry and defensive person but now im so laid back. how people change! a lot of people brought out that change in me and sometimes i cant help but wonder what it would be like if things that happen didnt. would i still be the same alvina i was 2 years ago. the one that could stand up for her rights or anyone else s right. oh man. i wish i was like that but that fire in me apparently has been blown out! is that what you call maturity? with age comes .. ?
anger did a lot of bad things to me. is that why i m trying to avoid being angry that much? i dont know.

i led a double life last time. and i just noticed. i think im doing it now again. like how when we are together, i pretend that no one else exist. but when we are apart. i have to pretend you dont exist and that the whole world does.

and there! i finished all 282 posts of my other diary! oh lord! so many things have certainly changed. and all the flings i had, all the spam i got. haha. its nice la. looking back and thinking and reflecting. life before jane was blissful, angry but occupied with mostly friends. and with jane, there was sweetness never felt. i shall continue tmr with my new blog and we d see what my "reflection" would be. (:

working is still boring. although i finally have 1 project on hand. the report is very detailed! and i have to read through like a few times to really grasp the meaning of the report. but still really cool! i think my duties here are just emailing people and having lunch and probably socialising or something. lol.

mama was nice. she sprung on a surprise visit and brought me shopping during my lunch break! (:
got a dress a skirt and a pair of pants! hee hee. i think id go for more shopping trips next week! yayyness! mama is suddenly loveeeee!
they are going to msia this sat and i cant go because of sitel work! )))):

alvina
sex is just a fucking cool (amazing according to kristle daddy) alternative.
haha kelly has always been that cool anyway!
baby boy, when can i be in your arms?
hm.
i wish all your girls didnt appear.
and i shall deranged my temper.

happy and ignorant. rather than being informed and miserable.

oh the boredom



haha that was done at 209pm. after lunch. went with my colleagues this time. and yes handsome boy was there! yaooowhee! they were all very caring bout my bad throat and i was just staring at them globbing food up! aiyee! what agony. i want to eat but im really afraid it would just agitate my throat and it d just go into a fit. we went for drinks (by drinks i mean like coffee) after. and it was nice cause 2 colleagues wanted to pay for me! hee. alvina feels wanted at least! had a bloody 2 hour break and i only smoked one cig. hee. what an acomplishment for alvina. i counted and the previous day i smoked 13! ah utter boredom! im thinking of quitting already. and since i am left with just 1 stick. i shall not buy a new pack. YES. i am going to do not. but im not sure if i want to do it ! haha .

MR ong is still finding something for me to do. and till then id be doing this every single day. oh well. i shall remind myself that my story books are more important than my business book. since now my main partner cum inspiration cum designer is too busy with her work, what the point of me carrying it around and dreaming of dreams that are not gonna happen that soon anyway!

oh and i was surfing and got this damn funny thing from here -> here.

1. That Singaporean workers are very bo chap and risk averse, while Israelis are more risk takers and entrepreneurial. Guy Kawasaki once said, "Israel has five million people, six million entrepreneurs and 15 million opinions. Singapore has five million people, six entrepreneurs and one opinion."

Maybe Singaporeans don't know what risk is because we don't have to dodge bombs on a daily basis.

3. That there are no budget constraints in the world of CSI. That is why they have all the best forsenic equipment money can buy, and everybody prints to the HP inkjets in full colour with no regard for cost. Oh, and they buy all their b&w and colour ink cartridges brand new, from 7-Eleven, and they do not use those third-party injection refills.

That's why they catch the criminals so often.

6. That Singaporeans should try very hard not to knock down foreign talent, even if the local driver had right of way, and the ang moh pedestrian disregarded traffic rules and ran across a traffic junction.

It can cost you 2 million dollars.

Remember, it not the Red Man, Green Man, but the White Man you need to look out for.

10. That we need to welcome foreigners into our country, because they help us to have a more vibrant economy and help us to increase our population.

Never mind that they may come here to enjoy our education, scholarships and economy (or what's left of it), and then use that as a springboard to go where they really want to — USA.

16. That NTUC bought over the premises formerly occupied by happening (but broke) club, Embassy, located at Esplanade and plans to renovate and rename it "NTUC Club".

With the new club, NTUC hopes to acquire "a hip quotient".

So the next time your Ah Beng friends ask you, *"Ai ki NTUC, mai?"

**"Tiao bu ah si buay chai?"


*("Do you want to go to NTUC or not?")

**("To go dancing or buy groceries?")

18. That according to NTUC Club’s deputy chief executive, Mr Lim Eng Lee, the new NTUC Club will have very Zen and modern design.

"We want a clean slate. The glass floors were very Embassy."

I hear that ceramic floors are very NTUC, they might want to try that.

Oh, and definitely must give Linkpoints during Happy Hour.

5. That there are rumours that the Singapore gay community have given up trying to organise the next Snowball '05 party, and are now planning Taupok '05. They have pledged to practise Safe Taupoking.


"Put an end to this dangerous JC 'game'

I AM a parent of a boy studying in a premier junior college in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area. Recently, it has come to my attention that rowdy behaviour is threatening to compromise the safety of the students.

According to my son, the violent act is dubbed 'taupok', a reference to a highly compressible piece of brown beancurd. A student would shout 'taupok' and other students would pounce on the targeted person, drag him down forcefully and climb on top of him. Due to peer pressure, more and more students would join in until the stack of bodies is about a metre high.

This violent act is supposedly done in the name of fun but, as a parent, I feel that it is potentially dangerous and even life-threatening." -ST Forum 11 Jan 2005

6. That when asking a female colleague to print Powerpoint slides for you, two on a page, it is probably best not to ask her if she can "do it two up".

17. That the new Singapore Lion is a symbol for racial harmony, and is not a symbol for the racially confused.


alvina
thank you ms sunflower.
and nurul you know i love love love you no matter what happens! (:
starhub is finally looking up.
i just neeeed to socialise!

i dont have time to love.

i cant believe im worth that little. any one can afford me now? pout

Your Birthdate: October 11

Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world. You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm.Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche.Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done. Your strength: Your inner peace Your weakness: You get stuck in the clouds Your power color: Emerald Your power symbol: Leaf Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

ha what an opposite

enjoy!

alvina

2nd day in starhub.

if this goes now, id be blogging every now and then ! today, lets see. i surf the web. smoke. surf the web a lil more. smoke. surfed the web and i found a website bout clits. then my supervisor came over and stared at my screen. LIKE OMG. shit. haha. lunch then surf. then finally! he came over and i thought YES! I FINALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO! but in the end, his purpose of coming over was to ask me to reply an email which he sent. and now. its 421. i being left alone AGAIN. oh well. balls.

surfed the net and found A LOT of interesting sites. shall upload to the links page soon! and found this too!

Libra and Taurus are both ruled by Venus, planet of beauty. Libra’s effortless beauty and social graces are what Taurus seeks in a partner. They will think alike and both appreciate beauty and prestige. It will seem like a constant party. They will balance each other out beautifully. Taurus provides substance and intensity to Libra. Libra lifts Taurus out of the darkness and into greater optimism. Libra could find Taurus dark moods a little bit extreme for their tastes. Taurus may feel the need for more understanding and devotion at times with Libra. This relationship gets better over time. Long- term love will depend on both individuals’ goals. Here is someone who will help Taurus dress better and get out of the house once in a while. Sometimes we all need a reality check. Family issues will dominate over time. Family will play an important role in this association.

haha.
oh well.
why am i always involved with taurus. i dont know!

alvina
why is it when everything is ok.
you need to bring something up to argue bout?
am i that boring?
my hawaii holiday with you doesnt seem possible at all now.

new.

im now an offical member of the starhub family. got my pass already! meaning free access to all offices. as you can tell. i have nothing to do thus i decided to go search for a new skin and blog. (:
im being paid to surf the web. hee. but then again. what a bore.

cant wait for the work to come in! cant believe a day of 9 hours just passed. and if work doesnt come in tmr. i guess id just do the same thing over again. surf. plan. smoke. lunch. surf some more. smoke. then surf. then smoke. then HOME! lol. what fun aye!

its friggin cold here la! omg. i thought i can survive the coldness but i cant! will bring a jacket that i shall put here for a long time. pout.

alvina
i do love you.
but im loving you in a way you dont like.
Luc is on the way.

death is all around.

i just watched this show on e entertainment. and it is about the death of a dog and how they buried it. the whole show was like bout plastic surgery plus the death. something like reborn with something new and the death of something else.

the dog was a chihuahua ( please pardon my spelling if its wrong ) named peanut. and i didnt watch the part of the cause of the death but i watched them buried it and said goodbye. it was so sad it reduced me to tears.

it just makes me think of death. and then i wonder if mummy and daddy were to leave me like that. what would i say at their burial? preparing the speech mentally now in my head is already making me cry. even though it was just a dog, emotions were displayed so opening. what about each parents?

im sorry daddy and mummy for all the shit i have given you. dont die so soon cause i know i stil need your closeness to me very much.

watched freedom writers. BLOOODY good show. i recommend it everyone! first show i wouldnt mind watching over and over. that show deserves a 5/5. chris come back soon and we d watch it again. yes?
it is about racism and how school is lke in the states. scary how people are leaving in fear, people are carrying guns everyday, how you may just be beaten up just because they dont like your face and colour.

thank god singapore is multi racial, if not everyone would be fighting almost everyday! thank god the government saw the importance of colour loving other colour.

alvina
inspirational shit.
screw the girl on the phone and forget bout me please.
cause seriously
i dont wish to be remembered.

ugly looking things called quarrels.

turned into disgusting words thrown back and forth,
turned into wasted blood,
turned into spoiled emotions,

turned into fear of another kind,
turned into chills you never felt.

on a happier note.
luc is coming up real soon.

alvina
you really make me wonder.

this love- kissed me goodbye.
so i guess id just breathe.

I think this really connects me to the book Shanghai baby.
And this is what I want to tell you. Many thanks to the author for penning her words down, cause it expresses how I feel.

this is for you. yes you. i dont have to spell it out do it?
yuu.

Her words are like a caress that brought me a joy no other woman had ever got near. Often, hearing her voice and looking at her eyes and lips, my sex would suddenly feel like a warn torrent and be soaked through in an instant.

And how can I leave out sex! I love it too much. Ha.

The tip of her rum-soaked tongue teased my nipples, and then moved slowly downwards. She penetrated my protective labia with deadly accuracy, and located my budding clitoris. The cool taste of the rum mingled with her warm tongue, and made me feel faint. I could feel a rush of liquid flow out of the uterus, and then she went inside.
There was this pain. But she showed no pity, never stopping for a second. The pain burst into a kind of apoplexy. I opened my eyes wide and looked at her, half in love and half in hate. I was aroused by her naked white body, only faintly colored by the glowing yellow light.

“Every woman adores a Fascist/ The boot in the face, the brute/ Brute heart of a brute like you.” wrote Sylvia Plath.

alvina
reading that book aroused my deepest thought. i felt myself feeling her.
baby thank you for that sweet thought.
and the way you carry me makes me go wooooow!

breathe.

wanted to post some obey photos but they were not in the correct format!
you can check them out at
www.obeygiant.com
you d see this book called demand and supply. PLEASE ANYONE, GET IT FOR ME! I WANT I WANT IT SO MUCH! IT IS SOOOOO COOOOL!

ok im sorry for ranting. but the book is fucking cool!
oh did i mention im "starting" a business. i dont know how long id take but im slowly doing it. and thanks to baby. i took my step 1. simple simple survey. i hope you guys will just take 1 minute or longer to do it.
http://FreeOnlineSurveys.com/rendersurvey.asp?sid=czijrm55h0kff82286444
thank you so much!

watched TMNT. damn funnny. and it just brings me back to my childhood days la. why dont they have black and white cartoons anymore? where s little lulu? ah i miss those days. even the cartoons dont look as complicated as now!

check out this song by anna nalick.
just breathe.
this is a part of the song which i think is so nice.

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to critisize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.

coolness! hahaa.
rock on people!

alvina
darling i love you.
simple enough.

dont kill karma.

what is a home anyway? people always say they re going home, heading home. but what does it mean to most youngster nowadays? heading home means meeting a curfew that our parents set up. heading home means making our parents happy. is that really a definition of a home?
home is a place where you feel happy going to. somewhere that means you feel wanted cause the people in it loves you for you. somewhere who you wouldnt feel to be forced to go home.

i wouldnt call my home a home. i rather address it as a house. its an empty house. with prison officers (mummy and daddy) wanting me home to have dinner with them so that they can proclaim they love for me while after dinner i have to return to my cell and await a new day of the same teachin (nagging from them) again.

i have a prison as a home! haha. and they still expect me to have love for them. what a joke!

love to me is a forbidden word. i cant really feel love anymore. i see the world as this empty void sucking people's foolish emotions that they cant seem to stop pouring out.
unless its you. (: you make me feel. you make me feel real. that emotions are not just a waste of time. i feel your love for me. i see you in colour. unlike the other people, stuff that are all in black and white. eeeks!

2 more weeks to intership. more colourless people in my life. had nice dim sum at geylang yesterday ! should have taken the photo done to show how much i had actually eaten. oh well. nice.

alvina
fuck s just a word
and its all fucked up.
just know that nothing you do
will bring you closer to me.

dont say you cant want me anymore.

movie movies and more movies!


i have like a giant "poster" of this song! wasnt bad! wasnt that good either but the soundtrack was nice! POP goes my heart! LOL.


i watched this show TWICE! cause it was that good! SPARTANS PREPARE FOR GLORY! hahaha. rock on man!


ah get the dvd. would be worth it only on dvd format. movie was too dry to be interesting. baby actually fell asleep. LOL. and the only reason i didnt was because her head was bobbing off mine. lol


funnnnnnny! not bad actually. better than his other movie. NICE!


i wannna watch this show! its HOT. bring me to watch pleaseeee!

this week his been so slacky. was supposed to head to work yesterday but decided to give it a miss and ended up in MGS. god knows why i agreed to go there. it was so .. boring? LOL. oh well. whats done has been done.
company matters.

2 more weeks of work and fun and then its HELLLLLOOOO INTERSHIP HELLLLO TO BEING CHAINED TO THE DESK ALREADY.
ah what a bore life can suddenly become. oh well.

oh and i also met daddy! my dear kristle daddy! headed down to her chalet on friday night. no pictures taken but a lot of silly things happened! for example baby and i were fucking around the room then BANG BANG BANG TOILET EMERGENCY! hahaha. damn funny. i dont really like vodka anymore though. hmm.
nevertheless daddy i miss you!

alvina
cheers to the people who made me laugh.